By Carol Look, EFT Master
Asking the right questions at
the right time is essential to zeroing in on the exact
issue your client needs to work on during sessions.
Listening deeply to the answers to
these questions separates good EFT
practitioners from excellent, masterful ones.
Many beginning EFT practitioners ask
me in supervision sessions, "So how do you know what to
tap on?" Good question! When I started asking more of
the "right" questions, my EFT practice
improved considerably. Practitioners need to establish
rapport and ask questions that will get to the heart of
the matter. This work is never one-size-fits-all. If you
don't know what the "real" problem is, or the strongest
emotional driver that's feeding your client's conflict,
you won't be able to aim the EFT
treatment in the right direction. If you aim the
EFT treatment at the real issue, you dramatically
improve your success rate and take less time getting
results.
My favorite brilliant question of course is Gary
Craig's "If you could live your life over again, and
there were something or someone in your life you would
just as soon skip, what or who would it be?" This
gives the clinician immediate access to troublesome
memories, relationships, and time periods in the client's
life that the client might not have associated with their
emotional conflicts or physical ailments.
The following list of special questions helps me decide
where to direct my tapping and how to become more specific
with the EFT treatment. While some of you
will recognize these questions from my work with weight
loss and other addictive processes, they can be used
effectively whether you are working with anxiety,
addictions, physical ailments or blocks to abundance.
While these questions don't need to be asked all in one
session, I am confident the answers to them will always
improve my accuracy and success rate with EFT.
Some of them are as follows:
1. How long have
you suffered from this problem (conflict, ailment,
disorder, concern...)? This question helps
the therapist to orient themselves so they know whether
this is a life long problem or it just surfaced since a
recent stressor in the client's life. While it may seem
obvious that you need to know this information, too many
clinicians forget to gather this information. If your
client has been overweight since childhood, the course of
treatment is very different than if they started putting
on weight during menopause. Suggestions for tapping for
focusing on when the ailment started might be: "Even
though I started feeling this pain in high school, I
deeply and completely accept who I am...Even though I
didn't feel these symptoms until my son left for college,
I choose to accept how my body is responding...Even though
I didn't start overeating until I felt grief about my
grandmother's death, I accept all of me and appreciate how
I have been handling my life."
2. What was happening in your life before
or during the time of diagnosis, or when you noticed this
problem arise? This is just another way of
asking question #1. We all know that stress triggers
emotional and physiological problems. Our immune systems
become weakened under stressful situations, and often we
do not "connect the dots" between a family crisis or
stressful employment situation and an emerging cluster of
physical symptoms. Try variations of these statements:
"Even though I didn't have my first panic attack until
after that terrible family fight, I accept myself and love
who I am anyway...Even though I didn't feel this pain
until after I moved to the new home, I love and accept
myself and my feelings...Even though I started overeating
because of my loneliness after the relationship broke up,
I choose to feel calm anyway."
3. Who else in your family history has
suffered from this? We often identify
ourselves with particular family members. Sometimes we are
even told "You are just like Aunt Sara..." or "You look
just like your mother..." (who, by the way, might have
died of heart disease or cancer or something else...)
These associations get caught in our clever minds, and we
tend to live out certain suggestions. "Even though I have
taken on her ailments to be close to her, I accept who I
am and how I feel...Even though I am identifying with my
father by having knee problems, I deeply and completely
accept myself...Even though I was trying to be like _____
by getting the same ailments, I choose to release this
pattern now."
4. What would you be focusing on if you
didn't spend time worrying about this issue?
One of my clients told me that if she stopped obsessing
about food, she "might" have to take a look at her failing
marriage, and she wasn't prepared to do that just yet.
This is the information a clinician wants. This client's
need to lose weight wasn't as strong as her need to avoid
looking at her marriage. The EFT practitioner needs to
know this or will think EFT doesn't work when actually,
the reasons around the problem weren't explored deeply
enough. Try setup phrases along the lines of: "Even though
I'm afraid to give up this obsession, I choose to relax
and feel free about it...Even though I don't feel safe
when I'm not beating up on myself, I accept and love
myself anyway...Even though I don't feel safe feeling the
depth of my loneliness, I choose to love and accept myself
anyway."
5. How would you be spending your time if
you weren't taking care of or managing this problem?
Several of my clients admitted to using a mild "chronic"
illness as a way to avoid entering into new relationships.
Their fears of intimacy and wounds from being "dumped"
before were so great, that they avoided socializing
because of the pain, discomfort, and complications
associated with the illness. Examples of tapping sequences
that would lead the client to more relief and the freedom
to consider different options are: "Even though I'm using
my symptoms as a way to protect myself from being hurt
again, I accept and love myself anyway...Even though I'm
afraid to even try a new relationship because of what
happened last time, I choose to feel safe without these
symptoms...Even though I don't feel safe unless I'm hiding
behind these problems, I accept and love all of me right
now."
Again, these may all be obvious questions, but a
majority of the practitioners don't ask them, or when they
do, don't listen deeply to the answers.
Below is the second half of my favorite list of
questions to improve my success rate. Again, while some of
them seem super obvious, you would be surprised by how
many practitioners don't ask them, or don't listen to the
exact answer when they do! As I said in the first part of
this series:
"Asking the right questions at
the right time is essential to zeroing in on the exact
issue your client needs to work on during sessions.
Listening deeply to the answers to
these questions separates good EFT
practitioners from excellent, masterful ones."
Another of my favorite questions from Gary Craig when
working with physical ailments is "If there were an
emotional contributor to this pain, what would it be?"
And if the client "doesn't know" Gary asks them to just
guess anyway.
The following special questions (the second half of my
list) help me decide where to direct my tapping and how to
become more specific with the EFT
treatment. While some of you will recognize these
questions from my work with weight loss and other
addictive processes, they can be used effectively whether
you are working with anxiety, addictions, physical
ailments or blocks to abundance. I am confident the
answers to them will always improve my accuracy and
success rate with EFT. They are as
follows:
6. How would you feel if you didn't have
this in your life? One of my clients who was
a heavy smoker for 30 years said, "I would have no idea
who I was, or what my identity would be if I didn't have a
cigarette in my hand." Identity issues are critical, and
need to be explored so you can aim the treatment at the
right problem. You could tap as follows: "Even though I'm
afraid of the loss and grief if I give up smoking, I
choose to feel calm and peaceful anyway...Even though I'll
feel insecure and won't know who I am without this
problem, I choose to feel free and relaxed right
now...Even though I need this challenge to feel
important..."
7. What is the downside of getting rid of
this problem? This is my favorite question,
because while it often takes clients by surprise, the
client is usually very forthright about giving more than
one "downside." My client with financial difficulties said
he is successfully avoiding being criticized by his
siblings by "staying in the struggle." He knows that as
soon as he breaks through the abundance barriers (and he
knows EFT is the tool to do so) his family members will
jump all over him for being "rich" and will then "hit him
up" for money! This is one of those fears of not being
"safe" that is a perfect target for EFT. One direction of
tapping setup phrases might proceed as follows: "Even
though I won't feel safe if I am wealthy because of what
he might say, I choose to accept myself anyway...Even
though they won't feel safe or happy if I succeed, I
choose to move forward anyway...Even though I'm afraid to
succeed because of their typical reactions, I deeply and
completely love and accept ALL OF ME anyway."
8. What is the upside of holding onto this
problem? How does holding onto this problem help you or
give you something positive? Like it or not,
all of our problems and conflicts "do something" for us.
We need to take responsibility for any secondary gains we
might be receiving as a result of our limitations. A
lovely woman in a recent class was having violent dreams
in the middle of the night and often ended up in the
emergency room getting stitches from throwing herself out
of bed and onto the floor in the middle of her nightmares.
After tapping on the fears from the dreams, I asked her
the "upside" of this issue. She said being "hurt" allowed
her to take care of herself instead of running to take
care of needy family members. Her injuries were
"legitimate" reasons to stay home. We tapped on "Even
though I feel trapped and don't know how to say "no" to
others, I deeply and completely...Even though I feel as if
I am boxed in by their demands, I choose to say no and
feel safe anyway...Even though I haven't found the right
way to take care of myself YET, I deeply and completely
accept all of me right now."
9. What is YOUR theory about why you
haven't yet resolved this dilemma, cleared this issue,
neutralized this conflict? I know that all
of my clients are brilliant and know the answers to these
questions. A typical conversation following this above
question runs something like this: Carol:
"Tell me your theory about why you haven't resolved this
problem yet." Client: "My doctor says..."
Carol: "Yes, but I'm interested in what
you think the reason is?" Client: "My
husband told me..." Carol: "OK, that's
his theory, but what do you think is the block to recovery
in this case?" Client: "I read somewhere
that people with this illness..." Carol:
"I've heard that too, but tell me what your inner
guidance/wisdom is telling you about this." (Long
pause...) Client: "I am afraid to reach
my potential because they will be jealous of me or hurt
me..." Carol: "What happened the last
time you felt like you had reached your potential?"
Client: "My husband left me."
Carol: "That would be a good reason to keep
yourself stuck. Anything else?" Client:
"Yes, I don't want to have to live up to anyone's
expectations. I just want to be left alone."
10. What happened the last time you were at
your best? Reached your goal? Got promoted? Won the award?
Announced how happy you were in the new relationship?
Looked fabulous? Said "no" to someone who was asking too
much of you? I love these questions, because
the client sees the connection immediately. When I asked a
client who was struggling with abundance this question,
she told me that she was afraid to succeed again because
when she got a huge promotion, she went home and told her
parents, and the following week her mother died of a
stroke. "Even though I'm afraid something bad will happen
again, like the last time, I deeply and completely love
and accept myself anyway...Even though it doesn't feel
safe being successful, I choose to accept my talents and
my skills...Even though I'm afraid to embrace my power
because of what happened the last time, I accept all that
I am and appreciate what I offer the world."
So remember, asking the right questions will not only
save you and your client time, it will improve your
accuracy and success rate. Asking the right questions is
also a wonderful way to gain rapport with your client if
you listen deeply and use the essence of what the client
offers you. Continue asking the questions that will reveal
the heart of your client's issues, and your success with
EFT will rise dramatically.
Carol Look
